And Our Hearts Bleed...

How they bleed!

We've been through some pretty horrendous things; 15 years of chronic illnesses, watching our beloved dog get run over and die before our very eyes, losing an unborn baby and my two best friends, marriage strains, and struggles and financial stresses that nearly sent us bankrupt. I left my husband in the hospital late one night wondering if he would die of Meningitis in the night and cried while his parents' slept in our bed next door. I seizured so badly - 7 times in one day - that I felt myself lift out of my body and I didn't feel ready to go.
In the last few months we have had Giardia, I have had scary test results and a procedure that made me wish I was a man.  Then last Friday I crashed our car.  It was written off and I suffered whiplash.

I started to cry.  Why us? What was next? Why this string of 'bad luck'?

When I asked God, He said 'you just watch the good come from this'.  I realised that when the Bible said the devil meant it for evil but God will use it for good, he meant it. It doesn't mean I'll become perfectly healthy or that nothing bad will ever happen again - but EVERYTHING bad can be turned on its head! Even in death we are victors!

But I digress...

You can look at this list of my misfortunes with sympathy or you can read it clinically like a catalogue of the human condition but the point is it probably isn't much different from the road you have travelled.  Maybe the circumstances aren't the same, but the pain often is.

Do you know I actually thought that I had it rougher than most people? I am embarrassed to even write this but I really thought my life in the Outhouse stunk more than anyone else's. How often can things go wrong but if we are in a good place, it doesn't seem so bad. Or we can have wonderful things happening around us but we are miserable on the inside, bound by hurt, pain, fear and rejection. 

I bet the same grief we experienced over our dog and little girl has sucker-punched YOU in the stomach too.  I bet the abandonment I felt during my illness and part of my childhood has manifested itself in you when someone you love left you or let you down.  I wonder if you have felt the same frustration at something or someone that I felt at my illness.

We are not so different you and I.

But let me tell you one thing - I am going to ask God that good comes from every suckful situation in your life.  Something so inherently delightful and amazing that you will heal and marvel at the extraordinary God we have and the fragile gift that is life.

How are hearts bleed...but oh how they love.

And watch this space.

Annie xx

P.S. Necklace made by Annie Blackberry (my Alter-Ego :) )

Your Outhouse, My Outhouse

There is no beauty in an outhouse - not really.  But if there is, I'm finding it. I've sat amongst the immovable  stench of s*** in the enclosed space of my life, completely scared to venture outside but hating where I've been trapped.

I've realised that although the outhouse itself is not beautiful, what I've found while sitting there has been beautiful.  The realisations, hope, healings and friendships I have, have been found in that outhouse.

Ok, stop the metaphors.

I've been through CFS (M.E), Toxoplasmosis, PCOS, Anxiety, Depression, IBS, Functional Seizures and Weakness, Glandular Fever (Mono) and too many other things to name. I've known grief and despair that has almost sent me to the end of myself and also sometimes a joy that makes me wonder if I've had a taste of Heaven.  And I bet you've been through a lot yourself.  I bet sometimes you don't feel heard and wonder if anyone hears. I am wondering if you have spent nights crying into your pillow, crushed by disappointment and heartache or perhaps just numb with the shock of life.

I want you to know that you are not alone.  You are heard.

I'll start by being completely honest: I follow Christ.  If you have been hurt by Christians (heck, I have!) I am truly sorry - please know this is not reflection of Christ. But I would love you to read on regardless of what you believe because I believe people need love, and, without love we have nothing.
I talk to God a lot and I hope some of the answers I get I can share with you.  I hope I can encourage you lightheartedly and on a deeper level also.

I'd love you to join this blog and come here whenever you need encouragement and empathy.

What beauty have you found in the outhouse?

Annie xx