I struggle with the fact that often in our lives there is no 'ideal' or 'perfect' way to deal with situations. There is often a better way or the best way under the circumstances but no way that guarantees an awesome outcome. 
Sick children, mental struggles, loved ones dying, cruel injustice, famine to name but a few. I think for me, at this point, there is not always a perfect way to deal with any given situation until the next life. But I am encouraged that God is understanding of this and that He will lead you and I through the best (not necessarily the easiest) way given your unique set of circumstances. Having the courage to walk this way and trust what he is saying or doing can seem impossible and doesn't mean everything works out great but I do know '... that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them'. (Romans 8:28).
Sit down with Him, have a few words with Him, tell him your struggles, ask for the better way forward and He WILL help you.

I understand not everyone reading this has a belief in Christ. I respect that but hope you still find some encouragement in this.

Who They Say You Are

It is so hard to not believe what others say about you and others who try to tell you who you are. Maybe there are nuggets of truth in those descriptions but there is one person who knows you really are and sees the real you, believes in the amazing person you are, understands your self-doubts, self-hatred, self-loathing and even those things that you know are 'broken' in you. I think that it's not about changing the minds of those who don't understand you or who tell you who you are, but for YOU to know the truth about yourself from the person who really knows and will deliver it in the best possible way - Jesus. The Jesus that does believe in you, does love you, does see the really and truly amazing person within.

And to those who have put you down and labelled you in whatever way:

'But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.' (Matthew 5:44).

Pray for them not because they deserve it but because they are carrying their own burdens, because they don't see what God knows to be true about you, because their judgement of you often comes from deep hurt within them. Take back the power and bless them.

I think there are things about ourselves we'd like to change, I certainly would, and sometimes those words that are meant for destruction, when talked about with the Lord, can offer some insights into places God can heal. But let the Lord shape those destructive words into words of truth and peace and let him discard the rest.

The truth shall set you free.

Photo courtesy of preachingfriars.org

Don't Give Up

I just feel like there's a lot of people out there going through a hard time. Maybe it's because I have always been going through a hard time (lol) or perhaps it's because I have seen so many people struggling lately.

I want you to know that you are not alone. You are heard. At this very moment I pray for peace for you, the type of peace that passes all understanding. For love you can trust and a heart that is open but not exposed to every hurtful thing that happens to it.

May you find the freedom to do right and the freedom to be who you really are, not bound and fettered by the past and the boldness to face those lies that just won't go away.

May you know the beauty and the upside-down concept that is forgiveness and the inutterable joy of letting go. Not giving in, or giving up, just handing it over to the God who is bigger than all of it and who is Justice itself.

You ARE loved - this I do know.

Anna x

Invisible Illness Week

Something I wrote for Invisible Illness Week. Hope it reaches out to you somehow:

I was asked to write something for Invisible Illness Week. Thought I'd share, for all those suffering invisibly x

Here goes: I was 17 and full of life. After overcoming a life of bullying and put-downs, my peers elected me to be their Head Girl.

The students who used to thumb their nose at me and look at me like I was dirt were inviting me to parties and saying that I was an interesting and cool person. I didn't buy into it, but I was pleased to finally have enough confidence to stand in front of 1200 girls most mornings at assemblies and talk. I tried to use my 'power' to help the little guy, the bullied people and to get my sister out of class and to the sick bay when she was really sick and her teacher wouldn't let her go.

I attended the Youth Parliament in Wellington and gave a speech over live radio in the debating chamber. I was convinced I could make a difference as a politician, if not Prime Minister. Big things were ahead.
But I was tired, very tired.

One day, not long after finishing school for good, I came down with a terrible virus. I sweated, shook and felt like I was dying.

And I never recovered.

After that day, I was a changed girl. I forced myself to go to university although I honestly do not know how I survived. I would sleep for four hours at night and feel like I was literally dying every moment of the day. I felt my energy drain away from me until I was like an empty gas pump that people were still trying to fill up from. I developed severe depression, severe anxiety, severe insomnia and a host of other physical ailments like constant sore throats, dizziness, nausea, tremors, weakness and debilitating fatigue. Eventually, after 3 years, I was diagnosed with chronic Fatigue Syndrome, depression and anxiety, and Glandular Fever. After dragging myself through a languages degree and a teaching diploma I was skin and bone and barely able to leave my bed.

This eventually led to taking a truckload of medication which in turn caused a 70kg weight gain over 10 years. It also led to years of being almost bed-ridden, up to 7 seizures a day and the most crippling mental illnesses I had ever encountered. My life was hell. One of the worst things was that very few people ever saw how sick I really was.

When I went out, I put on a smiling face. It's my natural personality, not a mask. I love people and respond to them. To them my sickness could NOT be real because I did not look sick or act sick. I had several Christian friends tell me I needed to get my ass out of bed and down to church early on a Sunday morning to be healed and connect with God. I felt like crying out 'why don't you come and be God to me, come and visit me, come and pray for me, instead of judging me?'. My relationship with God was closer than ever. I had hours to pray and to hang out with him but still people felt I needed to show up and be seen.

I thank God for a wonderful husband and an understanding family, and those few precious friends who accepted me no matter what.
I am a lot better but I still have a long way to go. I still sleep for 10-12 hours a day and I don't keep conventional hours. I work part-time when I feel able to, and love visiting friends and meeting with them when I have the energy. When I have the energy, you'll see me. I'm the reasonably normal looking person. When I don't, you won't. You wouldn't recognise me.

Thank you for reading this and helping me feel not so invisible any more.

When you are weak, then He is strong.

Anna x

Hall of Fame

- - - JUST THINKING - - -

Was just listening to The Script's Hall of Fame (feat. Will. i. am). 

Yeah, You could be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the king kong banging on your chest

You could beat the world
You could beat the war

You could talk to God, go banging on his door

I was thinking how sometimes you CAN'T achieve all your dreams, SOMETIMES it's not possible, no matter how hard you try, to be a rock star or a celeb or a professor or anything for that matter. We are told we can then we feel disappointed when we can't.

Having said this, I was also thinking that the 'anything is possible' thing has really worked for me in some ways cos I haven't given up fighting sickness or stayed stuck as a bitter person and it has helped me hugely with the jewellery-making, teaching and the people I meet.

Having said THAT, I guess I am learning that being YOU, being 'normal' doesn't make you any less special. I think what's important is to love and be loved, to help people, to do right by them, to challenge your own attitudes, to seek help when you need it. And yes, aim high, but find out what you want to do, what you're good at, who you are.

I saw a dog's paw prints as I was walking by the water and I was thinking that a dog doesn't necessarily aspire to anything, he or she knows what they need to do and do it. And treated well, they are happy. I am not saying we should be like dogs, we are not dogs but perhaps we could learn a thing or two from them?

Just food for thought. Ideas?

Annie x

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0q2NE14szbg




I think having dreams is crucial - it helps us have hope and I like the saying that 'if you shoot for the moon then at least you'll land among the stars' but I also think that sometimes we are being taught we can have anything we want and don't see what's right in front of us or sometimes we don't get the guy (or the girl), the car, the job, the stardom, the successful business, the happy life, etc. Or we strive and strive for something and when it doesn't happen, we feel we have failed. Perhaps start with a dream you know is attainable and as you grow and as you achieve one, aim a little higher - I don't know - just a thought?

Also I looked into the eyes of a gaunt, starving baby on the Ewan McDonald Unicef ad and I had what can only be described as a wake-up call - here is a crisis in Africa where 1 million children are literally starving to death and I'm worried about suburban comfort. Shame on me. Time to get things in order financially and start helping those kids. I hope one day if I do achieve a level of 'fame' (way too bigger word for it) or success, these kids will be the people who benefit after my own family.


Love,


Annie xx

And Our Hearts Bleed...

How they bleed!

We've been through some pretty horrendous things; 15 years of chronic illnesses, watching our beloved dog get run over and die before our very eyes, losing an unborn baby and my two best friends, marriage strains, and struggles and financial stresses that nearly sent us bankrupt. I left my husband in the hospital late one night wondering if he would die of Meningitis in the night and cried while his parents' slept in our bed next door. I seizured so badly - 7 times in one day - that I felt myself lift out of my body and I didn't feel ready to go.
In the last few months we have had Giardia, I have had scary test results and a procedure that made me wish I was a man.  Then last Friday I crashed our car.  It was written off and I suffered whiplash.

I started to cry.  Why us? What was next? Why this string of 'bad luck'?

When I asked God, He said 'you just watch the good come from this'.  I realised that when the Bible said the devil meant it for evil but God will use it for good, he meant it. It doesn't mean I'll become perfectly healthy or that nothing bad will ever happen again - but EVERYTHING bad can be turned on its head! Even in death we are victors!

But I digress...

You can look at this list of my misfortunes with sympathy or you can read it clinically like a catalogue of the human condition but the point is it probably isn't much different from the road you have travelled.  Maybe the circumstances aren't the same, but the pain often is.

Do you know I actually thought that I had it rougher than most people? I am embarrassed to even write this but I really thought my life in the Outhouse stunk more than anyone else's. How often can things go wrong but if we are in a good place, it doesn't seem so bad. Or we can have wonderful things happening around us but we are miserable on the inside, bound by hurt, pain, fear and rejection. 

I bet the same grief we experienced over our dog and little girl has sucker-punched YOU in the stomach too.  I bet the abandonment I felt during my illness and part of my childhood has manifested itself in you when someone you love left you or let you down.  I wonder if you have felt the same frustration at something or someone that I felt at my illness.

We are not so different you and I.

But let me tell you one thing - I am going to ask God that good comes from every suckful situation in your life.  Something so inherently delightful and amazing that you will heal and marvel at the extraordinary God we have and the fragile gift that is life.

How are hearts bleed...but oh how they love.

And watch this space.

Annie xx

P.S. Necklace made by Annie Blackberry (my Alter-Ego :) )